family dog

A few nights ago I was getting gas at an AM PM about 1:30 in the morning when this somewhat sketchy looking guy came up to me and said "Hey man. Are you interested in a family dog?"
Is there some sort of shady back alley pet adoption business I don't know about? Or maybe "Family Dog" is what they call heroin on the streets these days. Or it's what they call a blow job. It's like a regular blow job except they sniff your...nevermind. I said no to the gentleman's offer, but I was really tempted to ask him what kind of dog he considered a family dog. I think he meant he'd stolen it from a family. And where the hell was this dog? I didn't see any dog or even a car this guy came from. I had a lot of questions, but they're not the kind you ask in the middle of the night at a gas station.

I've been sick. Chest virus bullshit. I've been coughing and wheezing pretty bad for a few weeks. I seem to make a habit of getting sick during important times in my career. I won the Seattle Comedy Competition in 2004 with Laryngitis and bronchitis. And this time I was coughing and fever sweating when I made my debut on the Bob and Tom radio show. It's a pretty big deal for comics they have 4 or 5 million listeners all over the country plus they edit the radio show into a T.V. show that is shown on WGN in most of the country. It went all right I got some laughs, but I was really out of my head. I'm not sure if I should be pissed I had to be sick when I did it, or relieved that it went ok even though I was feeling awful. If I ever tape a Comedy Central Special I'll probably get gonorrhea. I took Vicodin for about a week after I did the show and that really helped make pretty much every problem I might have seem insignificant. I was working in Salt Lake City after I did Bob and Tom too, so it was nice having my own drugs, since they make it nearly impossible to get a decent alcohol buzz in Utah. Utah is adorable. I got ID'd when I went to an R rated movie there. I was already feeling ashamed for going to see the "Punisher" like a 16 year old comic book geek, asking for my ID just added insult to injury. Not even Vicodin could turn that into a good movie.

Twisted History

When president elect Obama won the election on November 4th, my lady and I decided to let the kids stay up and witness the historic moment. You know first non-white dude president in the history of the United States of America. I just thought they should see it. Maisy is 10 months old so she celebrated the historical evening laughing, crying, and shitting her pants. Everything is historical when you're a baby. Johnny is 6. 6 years olds don't stay up late very well. He watched Obama's speech like a lot of McCain's supporters; Throwing a tantrum with his face buried in the couch and his ass facing the T.V. I'm not sure we should have bothered, kids don't understand racism. I think all we did is introduce him to the concept. When they showed John McCain on T.V. he said "Who's that guy?" I said "Well that's John McCain, he wanted to be president too, but he lost the vote." Then Johnny said "Yeah i knew he couldn't be president 'cause he looks like us. Obama is the first president who doesn't look like us."
I guess he's right. Not exactly how i would have put it, but he's right. Johnny didn't even have any concept of race or skin color until Martin Luther King Jr day at pre-school last year. He came home talking about how "there was a man named King with brown skin and people where mean to him cause they didn't like his skin and he got killed." That also led to an embarrassing incident at the post office a few days later when Johnny pointed to an African man in line behind us and said very loudly "Look daddy that man has very brown skin!" There's nothing wrong with noticing I guess, but until about the age of 4 he never did. I even tested him once. There was a picture of a black man on T.V. and I asked Johnny "What do you think the difference is between daddy and this guy. Johnny said "That guy has a mustache."
I don't think I'm ready to vote for a president with a mustache. That's just how I was raised.

Another round of shitty parents please

Right now I'm drinking vodka and juice box. I'm not saying I'm proud of it, but it's surprisingly tasty. Mmmm. Vodka juice box. It's the perfect drink for the mom and dad who enjoy getting fucked up at a kids soccer game. Maybe it will catch on and someday you'll be able to walk into a bar and order a "Shitty Parent." It's a much more realistic drink then "Sex on the Beach."

I've been watching a lot of UFC fights lately. Just like in boxing they have advertising all over their shorts. I couldn't stop laughing though when I noticed a lot of the fighters with this on their ass.






UFC is the gayest sport ever.